


I Can Live In His Shadow If I Get to Live for You

by AmphitriteHeraG



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Adam is dead, Angst, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, I still love Adashi the most but I got sad and I had to write this, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Canon, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shiro misses Adam, and i JUST learned that Shiro and Curtis are canon, but can't afford netflix, curtis is a little insecure, how could ya'll not tell me, i've been in the voltron fandom for a year, sad shiro, shiro and curtis are married, so i haven't seen the full show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:40:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmphitriteHeraG/pseuds/AmphitriteHeraG
Summary: It's been three years since Shiro left behind the brutality of war. He's been happily married to his husband Curtis and loves him more than anything, but he would be lying if he said he didn't still dream about Adam.OrShiro has a dream about Adam's death and Curtis tries to make him feel better, while also feeling significantly small.
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Curtis/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	I Can Live In His Shadow If I Get to Live for You

There was water. 

And then there was a flash.

Water that should have felt like a cool, comforting weight felt heavy. It felt hot. Like an ocean made out of the heatwaves seen on streets.

And it was too much. There was so much pressure crashing down on him and he knew he couldn't escape. He saw Adam's face. He was crying. Screaming within the flames around him. He was crying for Takashi.

_Takashi_

This was a punishment.

_Takashi_

He should have been there.

_Takashi_

Maybe if he hadn't left. Maybe if he had stayed. 

_Takashi_

He could see the pain in Adam's eyes. It was crushing. It was _suffocating._

He could have stopped this. He should have stopped this.

The love of his life. He betrayed him.

He _hurt_ him.

_Shiro_

And it burned. It burned a hole right through his heart. It left his chest aching and he felt his stomach dropping lower and lower with every tear from his lover's eyes.

_Shiro_

Adam sped to him. He ran into his arms. He was covered in flames and scars and his face was so, so burnt.

And Shiro held on so tight. It burned so much and his own body had been ignited in flames by now but he had Adam in his arms again and he would burn for a thousand years if he could.

_Shiro_

Adam pressed his nose to his jaw. His face was damp from tears but it was comforting and it was intense.

Shiro felt his lover breath against his face. He remembered their life. He remembered their quiet breakfasts. He remembered the first time they were intimate. How nervous Adam was to be seen so vulnerable. How he had pressed them together and told him he loved him. He loved Him.

He remembered the first time they said 'I love you.' How quiet and sweet and wonderful it felt. He remembered all the times he chased Adam around their apartment to make him laugh. _God,_ Adam's laugh was _so_ wonderful. He remembered all their fights and how they would always make up with quiet apologies and kisses. He remembered how he proposed to Adam. He was so nervous but so excited. The look on Adam's face when he pulled out the ring he would never forget. His face was so soft. Just like it always was. So soft and loving yet stern and strong. His eyes exuded love. Love for Takashi. Love for their life together. For all their loving moments.

"Takashi."

Adam whispers in his ear. It was sweet and comforting but so, so devastating.

"Takashi," he said softly.

"This is all your fault."

"Shiro," Curtis spoke sternly. Shiro frowned, face contorting into a look of hurt. He slowly stirred until he was looking Curtis in the eyes. Curtis watched as his husband's eyes softened, but not in the way he was used to. He looked so guilty. More so than he had ever seen him before. Curtis sat up and rubbed his husband's arm soothingly. 

"My love," he started softly. "Don't be upset." He ran his hand up and down Shiro's arm slowly. Shiro closed his eyes again, seemingly thinking hard.

He had nightmares pretty frequently, but what about, Curtis never knew. If he asked, Shiro would just look away and try to ignore whatever guilt was lingering in his chest for the rest of the night. That was really the only was to describe it. Guilt. It was a distressing look to see on his husband so frequently. At first Curtis thought Shiro was having dreams about cheating on him. Which of course, would still be upsetting, but not the end of the world if that was the case. But as the months progressed, the whimpering and soft cries of his husband told him it was something deeper. Curtis wasn't stupid. He could infer what the dreams were about.

"Do you miss him?" he whispered. It was soft, and a little sad, but understanding to say the least. Shiro kept still, but Curtis heard his breath hitch. He had his answer.

"It's okay, you know," he continued. "To miss him. It's okay if you feel upset. It's not your fault." Shiro looked up at his husband and smiled weakly because he truly did not deserve this wonderful man.

This wonderful man.

This wonderful man that knew him inside and out. That was so understanding and undeniably beautiful.

So why did this wonderful man make his stomach churn in such an unpleasant way? Why did he feel so ashamed when he looked him in the eyes?

He loved Curtis.

But he loved Adam first.

And deep down they both knew,

_He loved Adam most._

Shiro reached up to intertwine their fingers. Why did he have to feel this way? It wasn't his fault that Adam had died.

Was it his fault?

Curtis could tell Shiro was getting too deep in his own head. He scooted down to lay his head on his husband's chest. He attempted to soothe him by running his hand up and down his stomach and his chest. After a while Shiro's breath started to slow down and his heartbeat along with it. But his eyes were heavy and his lips wobbled in a way that made Curtis' heart break.

"Darling," he tried again. "It was just a dream. It was only your imagination." Shiro let out an uneven breath and rested his hand on Curtis' shoulder. "It's not your fault."

And that broke Shiro so much more than it should have.

Curtis moved quickly when his husband started to shake. He sat up and turned on the light and began to whisper soft nothings to him in an attempt to calm him down. He held his face in his hands and wiped his tears away before they could fall. It was all he could do. He rubbed at his husband's shoulders and back and arm, but nothing seemed to ease his pain. Shiro sucked in long and harsh breaths while he sobbed. "I'm sorry," was all he could hear over and over for hours until they both fell back asleep.

When Curtis woke up the space in the bed next to him was empty. He assumed Shiro had gone on a run to clear his head like he usually did when he felt the way he had last night. He felt so worthless not being able to do anything, but he knew his husband appreciated it none the less. It was no secret that Curtis felt insecure sometimes. Adam had been the great love of Shiro's life and although he told Curtis time and time again that he loved him more than anything, he still had a lingering feeling that Shiro was only saying it to spare his feelings. He couldn't blame Shiro, though, for the way he felt about Adam. He was ripped from his life so suddenly and so harshly, and it was only natural to miss him. Still, it could be hard to be understanding at times. He tried his best not to show it or to voice it that he was hurt when Shiro would speak so fondly about Adam but so casually about him. He supposed, though, that it was only because Adam was no longer there. Just like reminiscing about an old friend. And that would be what Curtis told himself for as long as he needed to. He knew he was living in the shadow of Adam and of Shiro's devoted love for him. He knew that. But if living in that shadow meant he got to live for Shiro, he would do it for the rest of his life. That was exactly what he intended to do, after all.

Life, apparently, had other plans.

Curtis got up and made the bed and put his slippers away, trying not to let intrusive thoughts ruin his morning. Shiro's side of the bed was, surprisingly, already made this morning, along with his nightstand fully cleared of its usual clutter. It made Curtis blush a bit, seeing how his husband most likely felt bad about last night and made an attempt to clean up after himself. Curtis hoped it wasn't out of embarrassment. As complicated as things could be, his husband really was such a sweet dork, always blushing and getting flustered about things.

He made his way to the bathroom to wash his face while smiling to himself. He would make sure to give Shiro a big kiss when he got home. Curtis chuckled and opened the door to their bathroom and-

A seed.

A seed it what it felt like at first. Dropping quick to the bottom of his stomach and then growing. Growing and growing and growing until it felt like that seed was going to rip him apart from the inside out. His heart sank and rose and sank and rose and it felt like it was slitting his throat with every motion. He let out a scream.

There, on the floor of the bathroom, was his husband. 

There was blood around him, along with a pair of kitchen scissors next to his hand. There was a gash in his throat and his eyes were lifeless.

Curtis let out a tearless sob, shaking his head and letting out rapid breaths as he kneeled next to his lifeless husband. He held his head in his hands, rocking back and forth and sobbing. Only a few tears came out of his eyes, but his throat was so clogged up and his chest so tight that he though he may die. Maybe he was. Maybe he was dying of a heartbreak.

His heart was _broken._

He screamed out Shiro's name and laid his head on his stomach. He shook violently and that was when his tears started to flow. He cried and he cried and he remembered throwing up at one point but maybe he didn't. He could hear people knocking on the door to their apartment now, a few people raising their voice to ask if they were alright.

_They._

_If they were alright._

The seed in his stomach now had expanded past the limits of his body. It was tearing his stomach apart, making its way up to his chest and then his throat. His head spun.

Why?

Why was this happening?

Why couldn't he do enough?

He kissed Shiro's cold cheeks over and over as he held his face in his hands. He begged and pleaded for him to wake up. For him to _come back._

Eventually their land lord came in with a police officer in tow, who both winced at the sight of Curtis, holding his husband on the bathroom floor. 

An ambulance also came after a short while, and Curtis refused to let go. They pried him off, eventually, and he was handed off to an elderly neighbor of his who held him as he sobbed. He begged them not to take Shiro away. They did, though, of course, and he broke even further than he though possible. He could hear his own screams coming from somewhere deep in his stomach, but he didn't realize they were coming out of his mouth. He didn't care. He saw the paramedics lift his husband's lifeless body onto the stretcher. Saw how when they picked him up his head fell back. Saw them put a blanket over his body as they carried him away from Curtis' life forever.

All he could think about was his husband's side of the bed. His husband's night table. The way he cleaned up after himself so Curtis wouldn't have to. So he wouldn't be a _burden._

And at the memorial service they held, as they lowered Shiro's body into the ground, Curtis just stared. He stared and then he cried. He cried and then he screamed. The ringing in his ears resembled his husband's words to him. His husband's _last_ words to him.

_I'm sorry._


End file.
